Insanity At 3 AM
by Ravenclaw42
Summary: Used to be a Harry Potter author fic. This is the story I fall back on to break my writer's block -- it's absurd and bizarre, but really quite funny.
1. Capitulo Uno

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PUInsanity at 3 in the Morning/UBR  
By Ravenclaw42BR  
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Spoilers: None, I think... for any of it.BR  
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A/N: Be warned, this is total *crap.* Yes. *I* say its crap. Now, understand that the title is not an exaggeration or something made up to fit the tone of the story -- it is completely true to the circumstances under which the story was written. I almost fell asleep at the keyboard. So I repeat, be warned.BR  
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Feel free to flame me; Ill probably send you a reply along the lines of Thanks very much, I agree. Enjoy! (Or not.)BR  
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(Ravenclaw climbs through the portrait hole to the Gryffindor common room.)BR  
Harry: (glances up) Hi.BR  
Hermione: (glances up) Hello.BR  
(Raven looks oddly out of place.)BR  
Raven: (muttering) I didnt write that...BR  
Ron: Huh?BR  
Harry: Whats up with her?BR  
Hermione: Well, shes the author.BR  
Raven: NO! I am a FICTIONAL CHARACTER! Just like you!BR  
Harry: You havent quite got used to being a fictional character, have you?BR  
Raven: (rounds on Harry) Did I write you could say that? Dare to insult me!BR  
(Harry looks taken aback. Hermione frowns.)BR  
Hermione: You sound like one of those horrid people who mistreat their house-elves...BR  
Raven: Give it a rest on the house-elves, Hermy-ninny.BR  
(Hermione and Ron speak simultaneously:)BR  
Hermione: Dont make fun of Viktor!BR  
Ron: Yeah, someone who finally agrees with me about the house-elves!BR  
Harry: Well, if Ms. Authors going to insist on everyone using analogies...BR  
Raven: I LIKE using analogies!BR  
Ron: (muttering) ALL the time...BR  
Harry: (ignores them) ...analogies like with house-elves and their masters, Ive got to ask; Why has out master come down to visit us lowly fictional characters?BR  
Raven: (looks fidgety) I just wanted to see how you were getting on...BR  
(Harry looks dubious.)BR  
Harry: Did you want to see any of us in particular?BR  
Raven: (quickly) No, no, of course not...BR  
(Harry looks even more suspicious.)BR  
(Raven suddenly spots Eyra Dragonsworth, Deep Roller and Ginny Ha-Ha piling into the room through the portrait hole.)BR  
Raven: Ahh! Successful sillyfic writers! (Hides under the table.)BR  
(Ron and Harry exchange a s crazy glance.)BR  
Hermione: (under table with Raven) Whats wrong with sillyfic authors? Why are you afraid of them?BR  
Raven: (sobbing) Theyre... all... better... than... me...BR  
Hermione: But youre writing a sillyfic now, arent you? Its decent too, isnt it? (kicks Harry and Ron)BR  
Ron: Huh?BR  
Harry: What she said...BR  
(Eyra Dragonsworth, looking in a very bad mood, works her gaze across the room in Rons direction. Ron yelps and dives under the table also.)BR  
Ron: Mind if I join you?BR  
Raven: (stops sobbing) ... and all their muses make them write good sillyfic and mine is so melodramatic Im surprised she hasnt gone and jumped off a cliff or something by now...BR  
(Harry, having no one left to talk to, joins the rest under the table.)BR  
Harry: So whats Eyra doing here anyway? Isnt she in Slytherin?BR  
Hermione: I think Ravens bottled-up emotions are manifesting themselves in the form of... the weather!BR  
(Thunder crashes outside)BR  
(Raven gets a feeling of X-Files deja vu...)BR  
Hermione: (clears throat) ... I mean, this fic.BR  
Raven: (dazed) Wizard of Oz?BR  
Ron: Keep going and next thing Mulder and Scullyll come in and arrest us all for (that phrase here -- practicing ritchcraft or whatever. Ask Dad, he knows it).BR  
Raven: Hey! Youre HP characters! Youre not supposed to know about XF characters!BR  
Ron: Well, youre broadcasting your thoughts all over the place here, its not as though it was very hard to figure out.BR  
(Raven looks confused but says no more.)BR  
(There is a familiar hoot above them. Harry dashes out from under the table and crawls back in again with a large, white, wet-looking puff.)BR  
Ron, Hermione, and Raven: Hedwig!BR  
(Hedwig has a damp, dirty-looking letter clamped in her beak.)BR  
Harry: (unrolling the letter) Its from Sirius!BR  
(Everyone reads the letter. Harry notices the big grin on Ravens face when shes done.)BR  
Harry: HA! I knew it!BR  
Raven: (turns very red and stops grinning) Knew what?BR  
Harry: You only came to see Sirius!BR  
Raven: And Remus! And James and Wormtail...I just got my times mixed up and got stuck here with you people!BR  
(Harry, Ron, and Hermione look confused but say no more.)BR  
(Ron peeks out from under the table.)BR  
Ron: The sillyfic authors have left...can we go have dinner now?BR  
Harry: Yeah, Im hungry!BR  
Hermione: (muttering) ALL you two think about is food...BR  
Harry: And Quidditch!BR  
Raven: (glares at Harry, Ron, and Hermy-ninny) Did I write you could go eat dinner? I think not!BR  
Ron: (muttering) Temperamental, isnt she?BR  
Raven: OF COURSE I AM! Im the AUTHOR! And Im not CONTROLLING you!BR  
Ron: Thank heavens.BR  
Raven: I HAVE THE RIGHT TO CONTROL YOU! I DONT LIKE NOT CONTROLLING YOU! BUNDERSTAND?!/BBR  
(Ron looks confused and frightened but says no more.)BR  
(Hermione glares.)BR  
Hermione: You act like an immature Mr. Crouch!BR  
Raven: Did I write you could use my analogy! I DID NOT!BR  
(People in common room begin edging away from the table with the voices under it.)BR  
Harry: (getting exasperated) Look, could you go torture this Crichton person for a while so we can eat dinner? Youre so fond of PsychoCrichton moments, so go write some more of them!BR  
(Something clicks in Ravens brain.)BR  
Ron: What was that clicky noise?BR  
(Hermione kicks Ron. Ron looks confused but says no more.)BR  
Raven: OWWWIE!BR  
Harry: What?BR  
Raven: Something just clicked in my brain.BR  
(Ron, Harry, and Hermy-ninny groan.)BR  
Ron: Oooooh, that was a bad joke...BR  
Harry: ... and you know it!BR  
Raven: Yep, it was, wasnt it? (grins absurdly)BR  
(Raven pulls a chunky piece of electronic equipment with large friendly red numbers on the top out of her pocket.)BR  
Raven: Ill timeslide forward to bedtime!BR  
Harry: Please dont say this is gonna be a big whirly blue vortex thing...BR  
Raven: (indignant before she knew what indignant meant!) Why not?BR  
Harry: Because Im sick of all your in-jokes... next youre gonna be saying your name is Lyta but youre actually possessed by an insanely powerful alien disciplinary...BR  
Raven: Oh, shut up! Im sliding, and so sue me! Not that youd get anything out of it anyway, seeing as Im broke!BR  
Hermione: Keep crossing over to TV show in-jokes and sooner or later you ARE going to get sued!BR  
(Raven mutters mutinously.)BR  
(Raven suddenly grins wickedly.)BR  
Raven: John Edward?BR  
(Raven receives three very blank expressions.)BR  
Raven: Well, you people annoy me. Im leaving!BR  
(Raven pushes the large friendly red button on her Timer...)BR  
Raven: Dont panic...BR  
Harry: Why would I panic?BR  
Ron: Whos John Edward?BR  
(Large whirly blue vortex opens in front of them.)BR  
Ron, Harry, Hermione, and several other Random People: EEP!BR  
(Ron, Harry, Hermione, and several other Random People leap backwards.)BR  
Raven: (steps toward the large whirly blue vortex) See you later!BR  
(Raven steps into large whirly blue vortex and is whisked away.)BR  
(Raven spins through center of large whirly blue vortex.)BR  
Raven: WHEE!BR  
(Raven falls out of other end of large whirly blue vortex.)BR  
(Large whirly blue vortex closes behind Raven.)BR  
Raven: OOF! (glares at A.I., who is on a sugar high and is writing this fic) Did I write you could do that?!BR  
AIs Voice From the Heavens: I AM writing the fic you know... I can do what I want!BR  
Raven: Hey! Torture Rygel and Mulder and Wolverine all you want, but...BR  
AIs Voice From the Heavens: (very exasperated) I direct YOU to do those things. This time BII/I/B will have my revenge!BR  
Raven: (ponders this situation) So the only time I can write good sillyfic is when its my muse getting revenge for MY attempts at getting revenge...BR  
(Occupants of the small room in which Raven has landed look around at each other dazedly.)BR  
(Raven looks around dazedly.)BR  
Raven: Hey! What are you people still doing here? (remembers) Ooooh... duh. But this isnt Hogwarts!BR  
(Raven realizes where she is.)BR  
Raven: LUPINS PLACE?! WHAT IN VALENS NAME HAPPENED?!BR  
Ron: Whos Valen? And you still never said who John Edward is...BR  
Hermione: The timeslide worked...BR  
Harry: But it took us to a different place in space as well..BR  
Raven: What? That wasnt supposed to happen... AI!BR  
(AI puts on her angelic innocent look.)BR  
Raven: (sneers in disgust) Oh I give up... Wheres Lupin?BR  
Remus: Here.BR  
(Raven sees Sirius standing in a corner, very confused.)BR  
Raven: (turning extremely red) Hi Sirius...BR  
Sirius: (dazed) What?BR  
Raven: Nothing...BR  
(Harry grins mischievously)BR  
Raven: (slaps Harry) Oh, give it a rest! (looks at Ron, Harry, and Hermione) Whyd you follow me?BR  
Hermione: My book bag got caught in the large whirly blue vortex...BR  
Ron: And she grabbed it...BR  
Harry: And Ron grabbed her...BR  
Raven: And you grabbed him... whatever, I get the picture. (snatches a picture of Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Hermiones book bag getting sucked into the large whirly blue vortex away from Colin Creevey.)BR  
Colin Creevey: Lo Harry!BR  
Harry: Go away, Colin.BR  
Colin Creevey: Yes, lovely day, isnt it?BR  
Ron: Whered he come from?BR  
Raven: (shouting again) AI! That was cheesy! I hate cheese! Take him back!BR  
(Ron looks very confused but says no more.)BR  
(Lupin joins Sirius in the corner nervously.)BR  
AIs Voice From the Heavens: (sighing) Oh, fine...BR  
(Colin Creevey is suddenly eaten by a large Cheshire Cat mouth.)BR  
Raven: Look, this was funny at first, but now its just getting absurd...BR  
AIs Voice From the Heavens: (huffily) Well, thats the point, isnt it?BR  
Raven: (pouty) Not in MY fics... in MY fics its more sarcasm...BR  
AIs Voice: Desperate attempts at dry humor...BR  
Raven: Intellegent, artistic...BR  
AIs Voice: Thinly disguised serious morals...BR  
Raven: Educated satire...BR  
AIs Voice: PLOT...BR  
Raven: My sillyfics do NOT have plot in them!BR  
AIs Voice: Do too!BR  
Raven: Do not!BR  
AIs Voice: Do too!BR  
Raven: Uh-uh!BR  
AIs Voice: Uh-huh!BR  
Raven: (in the Monty Python-style high voice) A contradiction is not the same as an argument!BR  
(Harrys, Rons, Hermiones, Siriuss, and Lupins gazes flicker back and forth between Raven and the ceiling as the argument continues.)BR  
AIs Voice: PLOT! The very one and only thing absolutely FORBIDDEN in sillyfics!BR  
Raven: NEVER!BR  
AIs Voice: YES! I should call the fic police!BR  
Raven: NO! NO! ITS NOT TRUE! OFFICER, I SWEAR! PLOT! I NEVER... NO... NO PLOT! I SWEAR I DIDNT DO IT!BR  
(A very confused police officer appears in front of the cowering Raven.)BR  
Very Confused Police Officer: Um... you are under arrest... erm, under charges of... of unauthorized plot... in a sillyfic... what on Earth am I talking about?BR  
Raven: Im innocent, officer! I swear it! I WANT MY LAWYER!BR  
AIs Voice: I AM your lawyer, young and uneducated Raven...BR  
Very Confused Police Officer: Erm... you have the rights to the remains of a silent attourney! I mean, erm... the silent rights... remaining attourney...BR  
(Raven bawls)BR  
AIs Voice: Immature and ignorant Claw...BR  
(Raven whacks her head repeatedly on the wall, wailing)BR  
AIs Voice: You arent worthy of The 42!BR  
Raven: NOOOO! I AM! I AM! DONT CONFISCATE MY 42!BR  
Very Confused Police Officer: (continues muttering incoherently in the corner next to the Very Nevous Remus and the Very Frustrated Sirius.)BR  
Sirius: Look here, what Iare/I all you people on about!BR  
Raven: (sniffing) ... not 42... never my 42...BR  
AIs Voice: ... PLOT! I am so ASHAMED of you, incompetent Raven...BR  
Very Confused Police Officer: ... Please remain silent... I need and attourney...BR  
Dr. Nightmare: (sing-song) Dr. Nightmare, attourney at La-aw!BR  
Cheshire Cat Mouth: ... mmmph, mm, mmphh... (translation: ...OW! Got a bone stuck in my teeth...)BR  
Sirius: SHUT UP!BR  
(Raven, Very Confused Police Officer, and AIs Voice From the Heavens all shut up.)BR  
Cheshire Cat Mouth: ... mmphm...BR  
(Sirius transfigures the Cheshire Cat Mouth into a mouse and throws it outside into a snowbank.)BR  
Sirius: Much better. Now, what are all you people on about?BR  
(Silence.)BR  
(More silence.)BR  
(Cricket shirps.)BR  
(Raven, Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Very Confused Police Officer scream.)BR  
Lupin: CONSTANT VIGILANCE!BR  
(Everyone looks at Lupin in astonishment.)BR  
Lupin: Oops... wrong line... please excuse me for a moment...BR  
(Lupin goes into the back room to rehearse his nonexistant script.)BR  
Very Confused Police Officer: (gruffly) I think Ill just be nipping out now... wifes waiting at home...BR  
AIs Voice: OH NO YOU DONT LADDIE!BR  
(Very Confused Police Officer whimpers.)BR  
AIs Voice: Be careful or Ill turn you into an Amazing Bouncing Malfoy-Ferret...BR  
(Very Confused Police Officer wimpers yet again and backs into the heavily trafficked corner.)BR  
(Raven randomly tries to pick up Hermiones book bag.)BR  
Raven: (drops bag on foot) OWWWW! What have you got in this purse, a brick?BR  
Harry: Just one, Raven?BR  
Raven: Its a John Edward joke... nevermind.BR  
Hermione: (indignant) Its not a purse! And its got my schoolbooks in it!BR  
(Raven promptly drops the bag on her foot again.)BR  
(Sirius gives up trying to get an answer out of the insane characters and joins Lupin in the back room.)BR  
Harry: Hm-mmm...BR  
Raven: (makes a buzzing noise) Wrong response!BR  
Hermione: Tsk, Harry, this is not a slash fic...BR  
Ron: (glares in the direction he supposes AIs Voice was coming from) Sicko! Whyd you make Harry say that?BR  
Harry: Say what? (looks dazed)BR  
Raven: HA! I can nail YOU on charges of character-memory-wiping!BR  
(Raven rounds on Very Confused Police Officer.)BR  
Raven: You... youre not adding to the silliness factor of this fic anymore... go arrest the voice in the sky!BR  
Very Confused Police Officer: Who, God?BR  
Ron: Arrest Him too while youre at it...BR  
Hermione: (shocked) Ron!BR  
Very Confused Police Officer: (grateful for the chance to get away) All right then... goodbye...BR  
Raven: GO!!!BR  
Hermione: (politely) Good day, sir.BR  
(Very Confused Police Officer nods to Hermione, glares at Raven, glances nervously around the room and leaves.)BR  
Raven: He was no fun anyway... too sane...BR  
(Sirius and Lupin come back into the front room.)BR  
Raven: (ponderous) Neither of you are any fun either...BR  
(Raven forces Sirius into his dog form.)BR  
Raven: Much better! (pats Sirius on the head)BR  
Lupin: Well, Im not entertaining, Ill just go, shall I?BR  
Ron: Where? This is your house, isnt it?BR  
Lupin: (nervously) Erm... yes...BR  
Raven: (impatient) Youre coming with us!BR  
Lupin: Where?BR  
Raven: (happily) I have no idea!BR  
(Harry opens the door.)BR  
(The Cheshire Mouse is still fighting its way out of the snowbank.)BR  
Cheshire Mouse: (squeaking) Im coming! Im coming!BR  
(Sirius transforms back into a human for long enough to blast the Cheshire Mouse into next Tuesday.)BR  
(Raven begins skipping down a conveniently placed yellow brick road. The others follow nervously.)BR  
BR  
Next TuesdayBR  
BR  
Raven: (dragging her feet, panting) How did stupid Dorothy and her stupid dog and stupid friends get down this whole frelling stupid road without even breaking a sweat?!BR  
Cheshire Mouse: Oh I found you, I found you! Thank goodness! (squeaking incoherently)BR  
(Sirius blasts the Cheshire Mouse into the next dimension.)BR  
BR  
Three Hours LaterBR  
BR  
(Raven, Ron, Harry, Hermione, Sirius, and Lupin are slogging their way through a marsh.)BR  
Ron: Look, Im sick of this...BR  
Harry: Its not funny anymore...BR  
Lupin: Not even remotely...BR  
Sirius Hermione: (simultaneously) Never was to start with...BR  
Raven: Fine! I agree. Were going to slide out of here!/P  
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	2. Capitulo Dos

A/N: This wasn't meant to be a chapter break but the segment was too long to go as one chapter, soooo......  
  
  
(Ron, Harry, Hermione, Sirius and Lupin groan.)  
Ron, Harry, and Hermione: Again?  
Sirius: You know sliding makes me sick to my stomach...  
Lupin: Last time we slid out of anywhere we ended up in this godforsaken bog!  
Raven: Sissies! (pulls out a sleek, thin electronic device with diabolically evil tiny blue numbers on the top of it out of her pocket) I've got a different Timer anyway!  
Lupin: (looking on curiously) What does it do?  
Raven: (happily) I don't know!  
(Raven is about to push the diabolically evil tiny blue button when there is a Cry in the Distance.)  
A Cry in the Distance: These midges are eating me alive!  
(Raven shakes off a feeling of dejavu and pushes the diabolically evil tiny blue button.)  
(Everyone jumps into the small spinny red wind-tunnel that opens in front of them, and Weathertop fades out of their front view, changing into... the Brown-Gold Walls (tm) of the Leviathan Moya!)  
Cheshire Mouse: Oh, oh, you're back! You're back! OH!  
Sirius: (confused) We're in the next dimension?  
(Sirius blasts the Cheshire Mouse into the next universe.)  
(Crichton is confused... this is nothing new, anyway. For this fic or for Crichton himself.)  
D'Argo: (growls incoherently and brandishes his Qualta Blade)  
Aeryn: (raises her pulse pistol to eye level)  
Crichton: (remains very confused)  
Raven: Erm... I love you guys... great show...  
(Raven and the Very Out-of-Place HP Characterslook around nervously.)  
Raven: I see now is not a good time...  
(Raven pushes the diabolically evil tiny blue button again.)  
(Everyone rides the small spinny red wind-tunnel and fall out on a jutting rock headland somewhere in Cornwall...)  
Raven: Oh, shoot, now we're in The Dark Is Rising.  
Sirius, Lupin, Ron, Harry, and Hermione: Huh?  
Cheshire Mouse: Oh, finally! I love you all!  
(Sirius sighs in exasperation.)  
Sirius: I guess I should have specified what _sort_ of other universe... I sent the idiot into the next book universe!  
(Sirius blasts the Cheshire Mouse into oblivion.)  
(Rufus runs up to them, barking.)  
Raven: Rufus, GO HOME!  
(Rufus walks away with his tail between his legs.)  
Raven: (muttering) God, I hated that dog from the start... AGAIN!  
(Everyone jumps into the small, spiiiiny red wind-tunnel...)  
Raven: Spiiiinnny, spinnnnnny, spiinnnyyy... I AM A TRAVELER OF BOTH TIME AND SPACE!  
Everyone Else: Huh?  
Raven: STOP SAYING THAT!  
(Everyone falls out into a large plaza full of perfect people.)  
Hevak: (eyeing Raven, Ron, Harry, Hermione, Sirius, and Lupin) What are your names? Where are you from? I didn't call you here!  
Crowd of Perfect People: Praise Hevak!  
Hevak: SHUT UP! (turns back to Raven and the Still Out-of-Place HP Characters) Well, answer!  
Ron: Sheesh, I wasn't expecting the Spanish Inquisition!  
Raven: NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!  
Hevak: (still eyeing them)I don't like you much... you're contaminating my world... I forget you!  
Crowd of Perfect People: Praise Hevak!  
Hevak: SHUT UP!  
(Suddenly the Completely and Totally Out-of-Place HP Characters find themselves in oblivion.)  
Cheshire Mouse: (beginning to doubt its friendship with the HP characters) Oh, you're back again... please change me back into a cat!  
Sirius: No, I think I'll just leave you here...  
Harry: Raven! Can't you get us home?  
(Raven frowns)  
Raven: (tapping heels together three times) Soooome-wheeeere ooover the raaaainbow...  
(Everyone else sighes and shake their heads hopelessly.)  
Very Confused Glinda the Good Witch: My goodness, where am I? I'm in oblivion! (squeals in fright)  
Queen Mav: (hoarse and croaky, like in ) Get used to it. People stopped believeing in me ages ago. All mental, I say! They'll never survive without the Old Ways!  
Hermione: Oh, shut up. You sound like Old Fraud Trelawny.  
(Queen Mav sniffs disdainfully.)  
Raven: (taps Very Confused Glinda the Good Witch with her extended Ranger-stick thingee) Hey! Get us home!  
Very Confused Glinda the Good Witch: Oh... my specialty! Click your heels together three times and say, Home is where the Webster's Encyclopedic Unabridged Dictionary is...  
Raven, Ron, Harry, Hermione, Sirius, and Lupin: (holding hands) Home is where the Webster's Encyclopedic Unabridged Dictionary is... Home is where the Webster's Encyclopedic Unabridged Dictionary is... Home --  
Raven: Hey! This isn't working!  
Very Confused Glinda the Good Witch: (giggles) Oh dear... I meant to say Home is where the unpaid tax bills are!  
Hermione: Isn't it supposed to be There's no place like home?  
Raven: Oh shut up, Hermy-ninny. (taps heels together again) Home is where the unpaid tax bills are...  
Cheshire Mouse: (voice fading) Are you sure you don't want to turn me back into a cat before you leave?  
Sirius: (shouting) Don't know how!  
Cheshire Mouse: Drat.  
(Oblivion fades into the room.)  
Lupin: What room?  
AI's Voice: I dunno, I just thought it sounded funny... you know, The room fades into oblivion, but backwards. (pause) Maybe it's just me.  
Ron: Ha. Ha. Ha. Very funny. Get us home now!  
AI's Voice: Oh, fine, have it your way. Spoilsport!  
(The room fades into... another room.)  
Ron: (looking around) THIS IS NOT HOGWARTS!  
AI's Voice: You didn't specify Hogwarts, dear boy...  
Ron: Don't call me that!  
AI's Voice: (huffily) Well, too bad! Deal with it!  
(Raven, Ron, Harry, Sirius, Lupin, and Hermione are standing in the Dursley's living room. Aunt Petunia screams and faints.)  
Uncle Vernon: Get out of my house, miserable freaks!  
Sirius: Why you little – ! (raises wand)  
(Raven quickly pushes the diabolically evil tiny blue button again and shoves Sirius through the small spinny red wind-tunnel.)  
Harry: Bye then! (jumps into the small spinny red wind-tunnel)  
Raven, Ron, Hermione and Lupin smile nervously at the Dursleys and follow Harry and Sirius.)  
Raven: (singing loudly) Your stairway lies on the whispering winds...  
Everyone Else: Oh, shut up!  
(Everyone falls out onto a cold rock floor. They catch a glimpse of a large, wrought-iron gate before the lights suddenly go out.)  
Lupin: Ouch! You're standing on my elbow!  
Harry: Sorry Professor...  
Lupin: I'm not a professor anymore – OW! Granger!  
Hermione: RON!  
Ron: Geroff! Sorry... (Ron rolls over)  
Sirius: THAT'S MY FOOT YOU STUPID GIT!  
(Raven is miraculously unharmed.)  
Raven: Wow... I'm miraculously unharmed!  
AI's Voice: D'you want to remain miraculously unharmed?  
Raven: Duh! Of course I do, numbskull.  
AI's Voice: Wrong answer!  
(The lights come back on just in time for Raven to scream and dodge the very confused and frightened sperm whale falling towards her head.)  
(Everyone is splattered with bits of bloody sperm whale meat as the extremely unlucky sea mammal creates a crater twenty feet deep off to their right.)  
Ron: Eww...  
(Hermione would be sick except that this is a G fic and AI won't let her.)  
Harry: How is it a G fic, I mean, with the bloody sperm whale and all? That doesn't seem like G to me.  
Raven: Plot device. It's actually rated PG, but AI likes to mess with people's heads. (sudden evil grin) As do I.  
Harry: Oookay... (backs off)  
(Hermione realizes that this means she can be sick, so she goes into the corner to be so.)  
Brandel: (hair flaming merrily) WHO ARE YOU!?! AND HOW DID YOU GET INTO THESE CAVES?!?  
Harry: Through a small spinny red wind-tunnel...  
Brandel: WHAT IN KAZUL'S NAME ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!  
Raven: It's not polite to scream.  
Lupin: Trust me, you don't want to know.  
(Brandel sticks his face into Lupin's, eyeing the werewolf. Lupin's robes catch fire.)  
Lupin: ARGGGHHHHH!  
(Hermione and Sirius rush to help Lupin put out the fire.)  
(Ron stumbles on a pot of petunias.)  
Ron: (picks up petunias) Hey, what're these doing here?  
Lupin: Same as what we're doing here! HELP!  
Sirius: I AM HELPING, YOU THICK WEREWOLF!  
Raven: (grabbing petunias) Oooo-ooo-oooo, Wave, Wave puts the OOO in petUNia!  
Hagrid: SHUT IT WITH YER HORRID SINGING!  
Raven: (indignant) And where do you think you're from to be saying that?!  
Hagrid: Huh?  
(Raven glares at AI.)  
AI's Voice: Oh, FINE...  
(Hagrid disappears in a cloud of chartreuse smoke.)  
Harry: Pink?  
Eyra Dragonsworth: It's not pink! It's CHARTREUSE!  
(Raven has a feeling of fic dejavu...)  
(Lupin and Sirius are suddenly oblivious to the fire, which is merrily spreading, despite the fact that the caves are stone... PLOT HOLE ALERT! PLOT HOLE ALERT!)  
Sirius & Lupin: Ahh! Not another Eyra fic! Help!  
(Sirius & Lupin hide in the corner. Lupin's robes are still smoking.)  
AI's Voice: No smoking allowed! Can't you read the sign?  
(Sirius & Lupin notice a large NO SMOKING sign.)  
Lupin: Then what is this flaming guy doing here?  
Raven: (muttering) I can tell this isn't the safest dimension to be in at the moment...  
Harry: (sarcastic) Oh, so you've finally noticed, have you?  
(Cimorene and Mendanbar walk around the corner to face the scene of chaos.)  
Cimorene: What on Earth –  
Mendanbar: FIRE! (begins making jets of soapy lemon water squirt out of thin air to extinguish the fire)  
(Cimorene squeals in anger.)  
Cimorene: Wizards! (points at Sirius) Argelfraster!  
(Sirius blinks.)  
Sirius: Huh?  
Cimorene: Why aren't you melting?  
(Raven pushes the diabolically evil tiny blue button on her second Timer. Nothing happens.)  
Raven: Frell this! (whacks Timer on wall several times. Timer breaks) Well, back to the old original for us!  
(Raven pulls out the first Timer.)  
Harry: The TimeSliding Timer?  
Ron: Uhhng... now there's a tongue-twister.  
Hermione: Only for you, Ron.  
Ron: Huh? Did you just insult me?  
(Hermione shoves Ron into the just-opened large whirly blue vortex.)  
Raven: (cheerfully) All aboard, now!  
Lupin: Don't you mean, all inside now'?  
Raven: Whatever. I'm getting bored. We're going back to Moya!  
Harry: Why, so we can get our heads whacked off by a mental alien with an overlarge sword?  
Raven: Exactly! Er... something like that.  
Cimorene: ARGELFRASTER!  
Sirius: Oh, can it!  
(Cimorene looks taken aback.)  
Brandel: I STILL WANT TO KNOW HOW YOU GOT IN THESE CAVES!  
Raven: By night and flame and shining rock, open thou thy hidden lock, alberolingarn!' Happy now? (jumps into the large whirly blue vortex)  
(Sirius, Hermione, Harry, and Lupin follow Raven and Ron.)  
Raven: IF I GO CRAZY THEN WILL YOU STILL CALL ME SUPERMAN....  
(No one has the patience left to scorn Raven's horrid singing.)  
Raven: And I won't DUCK AND RUN, cause I'm not BUILT THAT WAAAY!  
(Sirius punches Raven in the back of the head.)  
Raven: OW! Hey, weren't you supposed to be in front of me?  
Sirius: That was the last slide, idiot. Pay attention.  
Lupin: CONSTANT VIGILANCE!  
Raven: You sound like my mother...  
Lupin: Huh?  
Raven: Not you! You sound like a retired mental Auror who I've forgotten the name of...  
(Everyone falls out of the large whirly blue vortex.)  
Crichton: GO AWAY, FRAU BLUCHER!  
Sirius, Lupin, Harry, Ron, and Hermione: Huh?  
(Crichton, being strapped upside down to a large metal ball and all that, has to twist his head at a very odd position to see everyone.)  
Crichton: (with his head looking like it's about to break off) Oh, sorry.  
(Crichton is struck by an idea –)  
Crichton: OW!  
(Raven grabs the apple that has fallen on Crichton's head and takes a bite.)  
Raven: Mmmm... Granny Smith!  
Crichton: Hey, I'm a scientist! I already know about gravity!  
AI's Voice: Oh, sorry...  
(Crichton is struck by a revised idea.)  
Crichton: Hey - I'm a prisoner here! Isn't anyone gonna rescue me?  
(No one moves. Raven continues munching, oblivious.)  
Raven: Mmm–mm–mmmph! (Translation: Oooh, I haven't had anything since breakfast, this is good!)  
Crichton: Excuse me?  
Raven: Wha'?  
Crichton: Rescue me, please?  
Raven: Why?  
Crichton: Because I'm a prisoner of Scorpius's, and he's gonna lobotomize me in 6 hours if I can't get out of here!  
Raven: Oh. Never mind. (throws apple core out the window) I don't think the timeslide worked.  
Ron: How d'you know? I mean, Crichton's on the other side of the universe.  
Raven: Good point...  
(Scorpius enters.)  
Scorpius: What are you miserable life forms doing in here with my most important prisoner?!  
Sirius: (truthfully) Nothing.  
Lupin: (whispering to Raven) Get us out of here!  
(Scorpius fumes.)  
Harry: Uh... Scorpy... watch out...  
(Scorpius's head explodes from overheating.)  
Crichton: Finally! Ding-dong, Scorpy's dead!  
(Natira and Lt. Expendable – er, I mean Braca – run in.)  
Natira: Scorpysugarbunssiepoo?! (sees the body) NOOO! IT CANT BE! I didn't even get to eat your eyes, my beloved wickedness...  
Lt. Braca: Um, er, I was sent to inform Scorpius... (eyes the body) ... that the latest round of tests were successful. We have created a partially stable wormhole!  
(Lt. Braca glances at the scene again and runs out as fast as he can to avoid getting arrested or court martialed or something equally drastic.)  
Raven: Whee! I wonder if a real wormhole would take us somewhere less dull...  
Sirius: You call this DULL?!  
(Stark, Zhaan, Aeryn, Rygel, Jothee, D'Argo, Chiana, Teurac, Rorf, Kurz, Zeltic (?), and Bekhesh finally manage to break in to save Crichton.)  
Crichton: Too late, guys!  
Harry: Wow... this is really becoming a house party...  
Sirius and Lupin: HOUSE PARTY?! (they hide in the corner – isn't it funny how there's only ever one corner for people to hide in? I mean, it's like, they hide in the corner... why not, a corner? Or at least someone could call it The Corner with caps, so that it has a really respectable title... um... I'm shutting up now.) Head for the hills, run while you still can!  
(Raven is chasing down Lt. Braca.)  
Raven: (grabs Lt. Braca by his uniform collar) Hey! Make us a wormhole!  
Lt Braca: (nervous) Why?  
Raven: Because my friends and me wanna go someplace more interesting. And because I told you to!  
(Harry, Ron, and Hermione have escaped from the chaotic prison chamber, dragging Sirius and Lupin by the armpits, kicking and struggling and screaming something about not wanting to be killed by Jacey.)  
Lt. Braca: What if I refuse?  
Raven: We-e-ell, Lt. Expendable – I mean, Braca – THIS is what! (begins singing horribly) LIFE is a road and I wanna keep going, LOVE is a river I wanna keep flowing...  
Lt. Braca: AAARRRGGGHHHHH!!!!! STOP!  
Raven: I'm BLUE, da-ba-dee, da-ba-DI, if I were GREEN I would DIE, da-ba-dee, da-ba-DI...  
Herimone: (shouting in Raven's ear) HE SAID TO STOP!  
Raven: (stops singing) Oh. So you'll do it, then?  
(Lt. Braca pulls something remarkably like a Timer out of his pocket and pushes a button. A bit of purple light zaps out and creates a giant blue twister that sucks people down to Oz – EEEEEEEE! – in the middle of the hallway. Lt. Braca promptly runs away.)  
Raven: Yippee! (jumps into giant wormhole)  
(Harry, Ron, and Hermione manage to drag Sirius and Lupin into the wormhole and then jump in themselves.)  
Raven: (singing softly) Somebody once told me... the world was gonna roll over me... I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed...  
Hermione: Well, that's certainly true!  
Raven: (glaring at Hermione and singing firmly) ... She was lookin' kinda dumb with her finger and her thumb in the shape of an L' on her forehead!  
(Hermione goes red.)  
(Everyone falls out of the wormhole into a dogpile.)  
Sirius: (barks) (Translation: What the ––– ! _This is your author AI speaking. I'm sorry, but this is a G fic, and – ack –_ Raven has snuck up on AI and they have a violent struggle for the microphone before AI regains control. What microphone, you may ask? Why, the one the prop people so kindly left us... in other words, PLOT DEVICE! _– ahem, as I was saying, supertoys last all summer long! What? Oh, no, that's right, I'm not an A.I. Artificial Intellegence' promotional ad... ha! ha!_ No one else laughs at her joke. _Ahem, well, yes, anyway... no language, please!_ Smiles with sickening glee.)  
(Sirius transforms back into a human.)  
Hermione: The gravitational –  
Raven: – and inter-dimensinal –  
Hermione: – forces of the wormhole –  
Raven – must have messed with your Animagi transformation!  
Sirius: Huh?  
Ron: I dunno. I just think these people are mental.  
(Ravel rolls her eyes.)  
Raven: Du-uh, Ron, everybody KNEW that already.  
Harry: Just as long as Professor Lupin didn't get messed up too...  
Lupin: (howls)  
Raven: Uh-oh.  
  
(sudden static)  
  
..............  
.....  
[Waiting for Edward]  
..........  
...................  
  
--TRANSFER INTERRUPTED--  
  
  
(to be continued...) ---this is a lie


	3. Jane, Stop This Crazy Thing!

A/N: AHHH! IT KEEPS GOING! Okay, I lied when I said I lied last chpt. Well, I was bored! *sulks momentarily* I had writer's block; this broke the ice pretty well. *sees glares from readers...* Okay, fine, I'll go back to writing Let Others Follow' and To Speak and To Be Silent' now...  
  
  
Raven: What just happened?  
Harry: AI?  
AI's Voice: What?  
Ron: What just happened?  
AI's Voice: Oh, that. I got tired of the plot.  
Raven: THERE IS NO PLOT, I TELL YOU!  
AI's Voice: Yeah, whatever.  
Lupin: But where _are_ we, please? And why am I human again...  
AI's Voice: I dunno.  
Sirius: Oh, well, great, that explains everythin that's happened in the last day.  
Raven: **_I_** know.  
Hermione: What?  
Raven: Something you don't.  
Harry: And that would be...?  
Raven: (shrugs)  
Harry: Argh! Okay, I give up. I just completely give up. You people are all completely insane!  
Raven and AI's Voice: When was that in question?  
(Harry sighs and throws his hands in the air.)  
Sirius: Well, think of somewhere for us to be, please, hopefully, say, somewhere in Hogwarts?  
AI's Voice: Nah... I don't think I'm done with you yet.  
Ron: (moans) Uh-oh.  
(Long silence.)  
(More silence.)  
(Cricket chirps - again.)  
(Sirius, after jumping and cracking his head on the nonexistant ceiling, goes on a mad search for the cricket and stomps it.)  
Raven: Well that was just uncalled for.  
(Final dramatic pause.... *duh duh duhn...*)  
AI's Voice: I'VE GOT IT!  
(Raven, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Lupin, and Sirius are suddenly all slammed into a solid place.)  
Sirius: Where the--  
AI's Voice: Don't say it.  
Sirius: --gosh-dern heck are we?  
Raven: MORDOR! DUCK!  
Harry: We're in a cave, Raven.  
Raven: YES! Shelob's lair, you know. Who cut the cheese?  
(Ron and Hermione have fainted from the stench.)  
Lupin: That smell would appear to be coming from all the rotting dwarfish corpses riddled with old arrows that are lying about everywhere.  
Raven: THE OTHER M' PLACE! DUCK!  
(Sirius pokes the arrow sticking through the chest of a particularly brittle skeleton sitting on the edge of a well, in a bout of utter stupidity that could only be rivaled by that of a certain hobbit we all know.)  
(Corpse falls down well, dragging a bucket, a ten-ton weight, and a marching band on kazoos, tambourines, and triangles down with it.)  
Raven: FOOL OF A TOOK!  
Sirius: A what?  
Raven: A TOOK!  
Sirius: What's that?  
AI's Voice: There is no script.  
Raven: I'm a rubber duck. See?  
(Sirius is confused but says no more.)  
(Ron and Hermione wake up.)  
Ron: It stinks to high heaven in here!  
Raven: Heaven has no taste.  
Hermione: So how do --  
Raven: And not one single sushi restaurant.  
Hermione: How do we --  
Raven: (in a deep voice) REVELATIONS. CHAPTER SIX.  
Hermione: How do we get --  
Raven: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!  
Heremione: (quickly) How do we get out of here?  
Ron: N--  
Raven: AAAAAAAAAAAAH!  
Ron: No cl--  
Raven: AH!  
(Long pause.)  
Ron: No--  
Raven: Ah.  
Ron, Harry, Hermione, Sirius, Lupin: SHUT UP!  
(Raven is looking at the ceiling and humming softly.)  
Harry: Oooookay...  
Hermione: The Mines of Moria! I've read about them!  
Ron: No kidding.  
(Hermione does not lose her eager expression as she backhands Ron, who falls on top of Harry with a bloody nose.)  
Hermione: (cheerfully) There's an evil creature of darkness that lives here called a Balrog that Sirius just woke up, so if we don't escape now we'll all die horrible flaming deaths in the vast abyss under the world!  
Lupin: Isn't that nice.  
Sirius: (whining) What'd I do?  
Hermione: You knocked a kazoo marching band down the well.  
Harry: *throwing Ron off* Hark, the anguishing buzzing of a thousand dying kazoos!  
(Everyone listens, but all they hear are ominous drumbeats and the faint screams of kazoo players being torn limb-from-limb.)  
Raven: (suddenly) I don't like the cuddly feel of the middle path, and the left-hand one is too pink and frilly. Let's take the right way to utter destruction.  
(Raven receives five blank stares.)  
Hermione: _I_ think this is all a sham --  
Raven: -- brain!  
Sirius: Excuse me?  
Raven: CHAMBRAGNE! May result in limb loss.  
Hermione: -- and if we can all just will ourselves awake, we'll be perfectly normal.  
Raven: You're fictional. You can't wake up unless you're written to. So what's perfectly normal' to you, anyway?  
Hermione: (glaring) There's a state even fictional characters can call perfectly normal,' and this is not it.  
Ron: No, this is California, not Perfectly Normal.  
Hermione: State of being, you nitwit.  
Harry: Surfs up, dude!  
Sirius: Like, dude!  
(Sirius and Harry high-five.)  
Lupin: This is just getting disturbing.  
Raven: (singing softly) Virgin state of miiiind...  
(All males in the near vicinity back away into the closest Corner.) -- It deserves the capitalization! It's a hard-working Corner, darn it!  
(Raven grins maliciously and gives a little evil laugh.)  
(There are sounds of pounding feet and angry shouting outside the door.)  
Hermione: Orcs!  
Raven: DUCK!  
(Sirius and Lupin bar the shabby, rotten planks of wood that are weakly passing as a door with two extremely conveniently placed battle axes.)  
(Everyone assumes their battle-ready positions -- Ron remains unconscious, Hermione pulls out her wand, Harry hides behind Balin's tomb, Sirius and Lupin find the biggest bones they can as they've used the only decent weapons in the room to block the door, displaying yet another episode of chronic idiocy, which is commonly found among heroes and Mary-Sues.)  
(Raven, of course, ducks.)  
(The door bursts open and hundreds of angry orcs with British accents come running in, clutching broken teacups and the odd sword or bow.)  
Orc#1: You sodding bastards ruined our tea!  
Orc#2: Kill em!  
Hermione: Wait! No. What?  
Raven: (looks up) Hey, aren't you supposed to have a cave troll?  
Orc#1: (grumpily) Your ten-ton weight fell on its stomach. It was having a nap on its back.  
Hermione: Oh, I'm sorry. Sirius, apologize!  
Sirius: Why?  
Lupin: What was that about killing us?  
Orc#2: Kill em!  
Lupin: Yes, that's what I thought you said.  
(Lupin drops his thigh bone/weapon and dodges behind the tomb with Harry.)  
(Ron wakes up.)  
(Ron looks around.)  
Ron: Eep.  
(Ron faints.)  
Raven: Okey, dokey, then. Need a change of scenery. AI?  
Orc#2: (voice fading) Kill em!  
Orc#1: They're disappearing, Tom. No one here to kill, okay?  
Orc#2: Kill em!  
Orc#1: Okay, well, kill Dave then, if you must.  
(Orc#2 swipes off Orc#3's head with a razorblade fingernail.)  
Orc#1: Well, back to the kitchen... see if we can salvage some biscuits...  
Meanwhile...  
Raven: What's that thing called?  
Harry: What thing?  
Raven: That dot-dot-dot thing.  
Sirius: Huh?  
Raven: Ep-something?  
Hermione: Whatever. I think Ron's dead. (kicks Ron)  
Ron: (groans) Who turned off the sun?  
Lupin: I'm cold!  
Raven: (with icicles forming in her birds'-nest hair) Oh, really, I hadn't noticed. Episode? No...  
Sirius: Excuse me, people, we're on a glacier here!  
Raven: Epiphany? Epsilon?  
Hermione: Could you concentrate on the setting, please... --  
Raven: ARGH! (pulling at icy hair) I WANT THAT WORD, DARN IT! IT RAN AWAY!  
Ron: Hope your mouth freezes shut.  
(Raven kicks Ron.)  
Ron: Ack! No kicking the dead person!  
Raven: (striking a dramatic pose) The Republic... of Heaven!  
Harry: I thought Heaven was a kingdom.  
Raven: Not anymore it ain't. Will broke the knife and all that. Asriel and the evil monkey killed Metatron.  
Hermione: Excuse me?  
Raven: There is no elsewhere. The ghosts are free. Eclipse? Wait... Ellipse! ELLIPSE! I KNEW IT EXISTED!  
(Everyone backs away from Raven, except Ron, who is still frozen.)  
Sirius: Can we please leave? I'm about to become a human popsicle --  
Raven: Down along the sphincter end of the universe. Okay. It's kinda chilly. Let's go.  
(Raven opens the door and everyone jumps into the large swirly blue vortex.)  
Raven: (singing in a sort of falsetto voice) I touch the fire and it freeeezes me -- I look into it and it's bla-ack --  
Sirius: Oh shut up.  
(Everyone falls out of the large swirly blue vortex.)  
Professor Emily: BUn and Molasses! BUn! Capital B, capital U, n, and, Molasses!  
Hermione: Uh-huh. Perhaps you and Raven should take a little visit to this nice, pretty white building where they put you in these lovely white shirts where you always hug yourself and you get to take nice blue pills. Okay?  
(Jelly stares at the ceiling. Jeremy parades about in his tye-dye shirt and yellow-and-purple plaid kilt. Rodrigo is looking about wide-eyed and wringing his hands with stressed-out nervousness.)  
Jeremy: I am a potato, and the universe is a bar of soap. I lost it in the bathtub. Hope you don't mind. Hai-yooga! (spangs off the walls)  
Rodrigo: (tense voice) Jeremy! No! Don't hit the paintings, you're going to knock something over, come down here RIGHT NOW!  
(Jeremy sticks his tongue out at Rodrigo and stands upside-down on the ceiling.)  
(Jelly does not appear to come out of her trance, but speaks perfectly clearly...)  
Jelly: Stop it, Jeremy. Calm down, Rodrigo. Emily, there's visitors.  
(Jelly goes back to staring at the blank ceiling silently.)  
Hermione: Well, at least there's one... er... sane-ish person around here.  
Lupin: My internal sanity meter says there is no such thing in this room.  
Hermione: Oh, well.  
Raven: Oops, I think we ended up in my friend Emily's subconscious.  
Harry: Ack! Get us out, get us out! (is being attacked by a hair-pulling Jeremy, the effect of which is worsened when Rodrigo tries to tear Jeremy off but Jeremy doesn't let go) ARRG!  
Raven: Oh, fine.  
(Everyone jumps into the large swirly blue vortex. Jeremy tries to follow Harry.)  
Professor Emily: (voice fading) BUn and Molasses!  
(Raven hums the Star Wars theme very loudly to drown her out.)  
(Everyone falls out of the large swirly blue vortex, again.)  
Sirius: Who WERE those crazy people?  
Raven: Emily's alter egos.  
Sirius: Ah. (is still confused buit says no more)  
Raven: (very off-key) And maybe I can staaand aaa-looone, and maybe I'm stroooong as stooone...  
(Raven's singing breaks the fragile mind of the author, thus effectively ending this insanity... for now...)  
DUH DUH DUHN.....  
(Track 7, Hero In His Own Mind Part 1, from Space Ghost's Musical Barbeque', plays. If you have this CD or have any idea what I'm talking about... well, you don't get anything. But good for you anyway.)  
Zorak: (coughs) Uhh.... don't mention it.  
  
END  
  
Dr. Nightmare: (sing-song) Dr. Nightmare... Attourney at La-aw!  
Space Ghost: Be silent or I will blast you with my destructo ray! (zap) Oh, sorry, that was my smell ray.  
Raymond: Pretty Pony!  
Carl, Jr.: (high-pitched babbling gibberish)  
Carl, Sr.: SHUT. SHUT.  
Brak: (sings) Good-bye, Good-bye, Goodbye! Everybody! Oh, my headphones fell off. *laughs hysterically*  
------------  
  
A/n: This is a reposting of a story that I had previously posted under Harry Potter Author Fics,' which, of course, no longer exists. The placement as an HP story was a loose one anyway.  
  
Now, go read my real stories, Let Others Follow and To Speak and To Be Silent! Go, shoo! On with you! *ushers readers over to the fics that I would much rather have attached to my reputation than this one...*


End file.
